Why Not Me?

I'm shamelessly going to mope now, and feel bad for myself.

So maybe I'm not a perfect person, and maybe I've made some (a lot) of mistakes in my past. Maybe I have a walk-in closet of skeletons and secrets that I've kept from most of the world, and maybe I live my life a little manically and recklessly in an endless search for something to make life meaningful and satisfying. Yet, everything that I've gone through and everything that I've done has brought me, now, to the person that I am and the person that I am going to be come. I like that person, and I wouldn't be her if I hadn't had all the life lessons that taught me about myself.

And for all my flaws and all my faults, I feel like I deserve to be loved and in a happy relationship just as much as anybody else. In truth, that's a half of all that I want out of life...to have adventures, and to find the right person to have those adventures with.

And all around me, it seems like everyone is getting paired up and married, while my latest relationship has recently gone down the drain for reasons that, still, baffle me. It hurts even more because it was with someone who I could REALLY see myself being with, for the long run...someone I felt so completely comfortable and compatible with. It begs the question, if that relationship couldn't work out for me, then which one will? And what is the likelihood that I'll find someone so much like me again?

I really want to be with someone who I can stand still with, and just enjoy every moment and not have to worry that they are going to leave me on a moments whim...to trust, and be assured that they will be there tomorrow. I want the person who is sweet, dependable yet adventurous, affectionate, free to demonstrate their love, interesting, intelligent, and who is proud and feels lucky to be with me. The one who will love me despite my past, my flaws, and all the things I've done, and see the person that I am now. The one who will hold me when I cry.

It sounds stupid, but perhaps that was one of the biggest things that troubled me about my last boyfriend. When I was upset and in tears, he just wanted to talk about the problem and how to fix it. Men need to understand that when a girl cries, she just wants to be held, and told that she's loved, and everything will be okay.

Have I placed impossible standards on my vision for a future mate? Is there anyone out there who so exists, who can stay next to me for the long haul? Who is willing, and ready, to make that kind of a commitment?

3 weeks post break-up, I'm still feeling lonely and a little depressed.

I guess I just have to trust that I will have that kind of happiness again. I've been in love before, and I'm sure (sparing death) that it won't be the last time. I know there will come a day when I meet the right person for me, and all my waiting will pay off...truly, for I will not have settled for anything less then real love. And I will be glad for my waiting, and for everything that brought me to him, and every stupid relationship that ended and every tear that I cried, because otherwise I would not have been free to be with him.

I know this.

I'm just getting a little impatient.