Life Doesn't Hurt

I was MySpace stalking my best friend Melissa when I came across this quote on her profile, and I rather liked it:

"Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault."

That resonates in me and strikes me as very true. There are moments...especially in times of quiet, when walking or driving or relaxing...when I begin to remember events and people from my past, and I am struck with a deep sense of melancholy. I am pained by the horrible things that people have done to me, and the awful situations which I have, at times, found myself in. I am humbled and shamed by the mistakes of my own. And perhaps the saddest moment of all is when I think of all the friends that I have lost contact with during my 22 years of life.

And, as the quote states, when I realize that a lot of it was my doing.

I think one of the three greatest regrets of my life is along this vein, and is related to the loss of my high-school best friend. He and I have since drifted far, far apart...we never talk, only occasionally bump into each other, and my attempts at rekindling a friendship have failed. Perhaps I was the first to cause the rift between us...during the dark, depressed years of my sophomore year, I certainly did not make enough time for him, when I should have. And yet, I think the final blow was his...the fact that my attempts to make things right were ignored.

And the pain is in the fact that once, we were inseparable. We spent every weekend together, hung out during every school lunch period, had a plethora of inside jokes. He knew all of my secrets, no matter how dark, and I was the only one who could read him like a book. We were perfectly content to just sit inside and watch movies all day, laughing and enjoying our time together. There was really no need for anyone else - we had each other, as the closest of best friends.

And now...to have lost that...it pains me.

But maybe I needed to experience that loss, in order to learn that I should never make the same mistake again, and completely neglect my friends. To remember that friendship is the most important thing that you can earn in life, and the lose it would be a tragedy. To learn that people cannot be ignored, and then picked up later when it is more convenient.

All these things I now understand.

And at least I got to enjoy that time of deep, effortless friendship...if only for a while.

Why I Love Survival Horror

Here's a little divergence from my normal, philosophical rambling.

I was very deep into the God of War game series (had just defeated Ares in God of War I) and was searching for a new game to play when my boyfriend dropped Resident Evil 4 on my lap and told me I should try it. Now, John has never steered me wrong, especially not in terms of video games. He is the one who lead me to God of War and Final Fantasy X, both of which I completed, and Devil May Cry, which I took a break from to start Resident Evil. I popped the disk, settled with John on the couch, and began to play.

At first, I was not impressed. I have never dealt well with horror movies, and the Ganados (zombie-like Spaniards) encountered in Resident Evil 4 were certainly frightening. I would scream or screech every time I turned around to find a monster lurking behind me, and had some difficult mastering the controls...especially since I tend to get flustered in moments of intensity. It was frightening, high-intensity, and complex, and I longed for the days of hacking and slashing with Kratos in God of War.

But, a few playing sessions passed and I found myself absolutely absorbed in the game. I loved the deep and complex storyline and grew attached to the plight of the characters...especially the main character, Leon Kennedy. After completing Resident Evil 4, I promptly played it a second time. John and I then moved on to Resident Evil 2, completing the A and B scenarios for each character, and finished the main series with Resident Evil 3. Yes, we were on a Resident Evil kick. A bit of a momentary obsession, perhaps. And I wondered what it was that got me hooked...especially since I was so apprehensive about it, in the first place.

Even though I've never been good with horror movies, it eventually struck me that I've always loved survival *horror*. Event Horizon, Doom, Pitch Black...I've always loved movies about being trapped in a difficult, frightening, fantastic situation, and having to use your wits and available resources to survive. It's quick, faced paced, and exhilarating, and there is never a free moment for the characters to react...they must act instantly in order to get past the zombies, vampires or monsters which face them. And, if they are sharp and in-shape enough, they will make it through.

That's what survival horror games bring to the table, while transporting you and making you involved in that world. It is a game of eat or be eaten, and it brings back the most basic of instincts...to avoid being hunted. It evokes emotions unlike those found in any other game...those of fear, suspense, dread, shock, surprise, and upon success, exhilaration. Sometimes you need to step away from the game, if you are not in a place or in the mood for fear, or if frustrated by a particularly difficult foe...but it's intoxicating to experience these feelings that you don't really encounter in real, civilized life. Emotions that are dead outside of a real battlefield.

Not only that, the Resident Evil games, and likewise series, are rich in storyline and huge on character development. They use similar characters throughout each of their games, such that you become attached and interested in the fate of each character...be it Leon, Ada, Jill, Claire, or Chris. The plot, which is woven and entangled through each installment, keeps you coming back for more and coming back to the games to unfold new plot details. That's what makes it addictive.

Survival horror. Indeed, there is no genre quite like it.

Oh yeah. Also, you get to be pretty bad-ass with a shotgun.