Strange Comfort

In most of my mistakes, big and small, it is comforting that I know my own self extremely well, and that even if I had to repeat the experience over, I would probably do the same thing every time.

That fact makes each error seem drastically less tragic, as it is not a fluke occurrence, but rather an inevitable event as a result of my personality and flaws.

It is, in a way, my own self-driven destiny.

And somehow, that makes me feel better.

The Three Sisters

In Greek mythology (and also described in other contexts in Roman, Romanian, Germanic Norn and Bavarian folklore), there were three sisters of fate, otherwise known as Moirae. They controlled the thinly-woven thread of each life, be it God, animal, or human. Clotho spun the thread from her distaff, while Lachesis measured it with her rod and determined how much time on the Earth would be allotted to each person. The final sister, Atropos, cut the thread, and in doing so, chose how each death would occur. Worshiped, revered but ultimately feared, they determined the course of each existence on the third day after birth, and that path could not be diverted from. Each moment, each experience, each monument was already decided, to the ignorance of the individual. People were merely players in a script that had already been written, reading it for the first time page-by-page on an all-too elaborate stage.

I've never been quite certain as to my feelings on fate. There are moments when I believe in destiny and the inevitable, and times when I doubt there is such a cosmic plan and feel that the course of time is driven by the twins of choice and chance. To believe in a pre-destined path is both comforting and stifling at the same time - it is disconcerting to believe that you have little choice in the course of your own life, yet, in times of despair or trouble, sets the mind at ease. It is consoling to believe that everything happens for a reason, and all will turn out well in the end.

And indeed, there are coincidences in my life that make me feel that it is all too perfect to be random...that the puzzle-pieces form too complete a picture to be the product of luck.

And then still, at times, life seems haphazard and unforgiving, and it seems that any purpose for it is impossible to find.

It is one of those unending, impossible questions that cannot be answered in life, and will only be resolved in the afterlife, if such a thing exists. And in truth, does it really matter what drives our destiny? Our life will occur as it will either way, and perhaps it is best to simply believe that which is most comforting, or most akin to our other beliefs. Perhaps to debate the existence or non-existence of fate is pointless. If there is destiny, than our best choices and decisions are certainly a part of it. If not, then they should aide in creating a better future.

And maybe there is the possibility of there being both...rather than a inevitable, singular path, perhaps each life is instead a complicated maze of twists and turns, cross-roads and caverns, forks and falls. A path in which there are several destinies, and the quality of your choices and actions determines the final outcome.

If such is the case, then I propose a different triad of sisters.

Call them Choice, Chance and Fate.

And you may believe in whichever set of sisters you choose.

Me and My Evil Twin

I've always known that I am two distinctively different people when I am in a relationship, and when I am single.

This comes to mind after my most recent attempt to "go out" last night to the various casinos around my Connecticut home town, despite the fact that my significant other is on spring break in New Jersey. During the summer, when I was in and out of fleeting relationships and for the most part quite single, I was out and partying most nights of the week. My counterpart, Melissa, and I frequented the local clubs at every opportunity and spent weekday evenings hopping between various groups of friends. There were few nights where we went home before at least 1 am - in particular, I can clearly recall crawling into bed at 4 in the morning after a particularly late evening, and then waking up at 6 am to head to work. We were quintessential party girls and night owls, and at the time, we absolutely loved it.

I've been in a serious relationship for the past three months now, and that person isn't really me any more. I haven't gone to a club in months, and my trips to the bar with friends have been few and far between. I find myself tired and ready for sleep around 11 or 12 (which may have more to do with work than my relationship status, but I digress) and with a lack of desire to really drink. I am quite content to spend my evenings curled up on the couch with my boyfriend, watch a movie, play some video games, cuddle up and fall asleep - and, because we are so compatible, it's wonderful and just as much fun as going out. All I could think about last night (especially since the night did not pan out as I had planned) was how much I wanted to relax in bed with him and watch a zombie movie.

It is me, and my wild twin...two quite different personalities, simply based on what stage in my life I am in.

Single me is untamed, impatient, and easily bored. She is constantly on the move and never sits still, needing to be occupied by activity and with people at every moment. She is flirtatious, overly friendly, and spontaneous. To a degree, she is self-destructive. Every day needs to be an adventure, and, as can be expected, drama follows close behind. She is the life of every party, always needing to be the focus of attention, and in attendance at every event.

Relationship me is more calm, relaxed, and takes the time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. She is polite but unresponsive to the provokes of men, and is quick to assert that she is taken if asked. She takes each day slowly and carefully and gives everything to the people which she cares for. She is careful to keep her personal life secretive and is rare to divulge information about herself, preferring to keep people in the dark and maintain a degree of privacy. She is quieter than her wild twin.

And each personality has its perks, benefits and positive traits. Both of them have their flaws. To a degree, I wish I could blend the best parts of both and come to a solid, unified version of myself...whether I am single, or not.

But then again, both aspects benefit my needs at the time. The personalities are carefully designed and crafted to keep me ultimately happy and enjoying each moment. And maybe if I blended the two, it wouldn't be so, and I would find myself more miserable during my states of being single, or more unhappy when with a significant other.

So it may indeed be best this way.

It's just strange feeling like two people at once.

Love is Risk

Relationships, for me, have never come easy.

Not, particularly, in an emotional sense, but in terms of the effort which has been necessary to keep them alive. For the most part, this has manifested as distance. My significant others have always been at least an hour's drive away (three hours at the maximum), thus making the relationship far more of a challenge. Nightly phone conversations, meaningful gifts and many gallons of gas were needed to maintain the bond which had been built...moments together, which so many couples take for granted, were considered precious and rare. It was difficult to upkeep, requiring a lot of extra work and hours on the road - yet, it was effort I was always willing to do.

And even now, in my most current relationship, it has not necessarily been easy. There have been roadblocks put up between us at many steps along the way, but through sheer force of will (and perhaps an innate stubbornness, on both our parts) we have hurdled them all...and, through all the work, found myself in a state of happiness, with someone I wouldn't trade for anything.

All of these experiences have made me realize that love is risk. It is not necessarily going to be easy. There will be challenges and difficulties along the way...problems that make you think that maybe it's not worth it. There will be people who will stand in your way, conventions that must be broken, expectations to be surpassed. It could be distance, as it has often been with me, or it could be age, religion, race, differences in opinion, differences in friends or family lifestyle, flaws in personality...anything.

But with the right person, it is always worth it to take that risk. The effort and the work that it takes to surpass all these problems can only deepen the bond between the two individuals. It makes the moments together all the more sweet and blissful, because it is deeply appreciated. If it was always easy, the love would not appear to be anything special...and, as mundane things often do, it would fade. It is the risk which makes it exciting, adventurous, intoxicating, and at the same time comfortable. It is a test, in order to ensure that the relationship is right...because if you aren't willing to fight for it, what's the point?

I suppose in all of this, my point is to take the risk. Don't turn down the opportunity for love or happiness because a roadblock stands in your way, in any form.

You may just find it was worth it.