In general, I am a very adaptive person.
It never takes me very long to adjust to a new situation or new place or new people. I've always launched myself into unfamiliar situations, however uncertain at first, and ended up being completely fine with it in the matter of a week or two. I remember the intense nerves that I felt the day before I left for college. My stomach was in knots and I kept uncontrollably feeling the urge to cry, thinking that I'd be far from my family and my room and everything I knew. But by the time that I got there, I felt completely comfortable and was excited by the new chapter in my life. I adjusted far faster than most.
And even in the loss of relationships, I've always adapted rapidly. It's not that I get over the person, or that I forget about them, but I become okay with the new situation quickly. I do not mourn, so much, the loss of a title.
However, I've often mourned the loss of a person. It's very hard for me to let go of someone who has been a big part of my life, in any fashion. With friendships, it's usually so gradual. You begin to drift apart as the years pass on, and before you know it, you rarely talk to the person and only speak to them on occasion, and the conversation is always so awkward and about big details. The earmarks of a truly close friendship is that you can talk about the most inane, minute aspects of your day, because they speak with you so often and already know the huge events. Once you become more like acquaintances, it is so uncomfortable and uneasy because you can no longer discuss those things.
The earth and the moon cannot talk about the trees and the people and the animals because they are so distant. They can only talk about land and ocean and turning.
Maybe a Great Wall here or there.
With friendships, sometimes its easier to let go because it's such a slow process. It is only so painful on reflection. It's always been difficult for me to let go of people after the break of a relationship, because it is a sudden and swift action. You often go from talking to the person every day, seeing them every free moment, to not having any contact with them at all. It's difficult for me to lose a person in that sense. There's still a part of me that wants to know about their life and what they are doing and how they are, in a purely platonic sense. Just to know that they are happy, and okay. It's why I struggle and try to stay friends with all of my exes, for the most part with success. We are by no means close, but on good and friendly terms.
Maybe this is a bad thing. Maybe there is something to be said about a complete break. It is less painful, in the long run, and better for future relationships. There is no one for a current boyfriend to feel jealous or worried about, how ever unnecessarily. The nature of my friend Steve's relationship with his exes reminds me of this.
But I've never been good with the loss of a person. And I think knowing that it would be wrong of me to say hello, or IM, or call, and ask how they are doing, would be too painful for me.
So I leave it as it is.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The Trials Of Being An Artist
The thing about being a creative person is that sometimes it's very easy to get lost and caught up in your own art. This particularly comes to mind in light of the recent death of Heath Ledger. Though it's yet undetermined as to why he passed away, interviews from the last few weeks describe the insomnia and inner turmoil that came from playing the twisted, dark role of the Joker. He discusses how getting in to the mind of such a twisted, homicidal, ruthless killer was highly disturbing to him and ended up plaguing his mind and preventing him from being able to sleep. He spent several weeks living alone in a New York city hotel room in order to get in the role, using such influences as the eventually-demented Sid Vicious to get into the character. It was a difficult and challenging role to play. Whether or not this factored into his early death, it's difficult to say.
And then somehow this reminded me of an interview with Sting, the vocalist behind The Police. In his earlier years, he tried his hand at acting, and landed himself with mostly evil characters. (I was interested to discover, also, that he was the inspiration behind one of my favorite comic book characters, John Constantine.) In his Behind the Music, he discussed the fact that he played so many sinister characters that he eventually started to think of himself as the antichrist. His own acting, the roles that he was hired to play, crept into his head and began to alter the very way he perceived himself. It's hard, now, so many years later, to think of Sting as evil - much less the antichrist. But sometimes, that's what art does to you.
And then that makes me think of painters, and musicians, and writers, and how so many of them are driven to insanity or have a very distorted perception of the world. People like Vincent Van Gogh, who cut off his own ear, or Kurt Cobain, who took his own life. I think putting yourself into your own art and your own creations can cause you to lose yourself in it...for better, or often, for worse. The art that you create is a part of you, and it consumes you...particularly if you've driven yourself to sing, paint, or write about the more dark aspects of living.
It makes me wonder about my own art...my writing, in particular. Depression, clinically, runs deep in my family, and there was a time when I was younger and more vulnerable that I could definitely feel that. I remember, during those years, that my characters became more real to me than the people around me were. They seemed alive, with their own personalities and distinct characteristics, and writing them wasn't really like coming up with anything new...I was just recording what logically they would say, do, or how they would act. The characters that I, myself, had breathed into life had crept inside of my mind. Taken resident and consumed me. Had my story been one of tragedy, I could see how that would have begun to impact my moods and my behavior. Perhaps I would have started to see the world as a dark and tragic place, and likewise been affected.
And even now, whatever I am working on seems to mold my perceptions. I have more recently been focusing on short stories, so the effect is less drastic, but I can feel it none the less. While writing a tragic tale of love and loss ("Storytelling") I can almost feel the heartache and hopelessness of my hero. I am elated by the triumph of my victors ("The Toymaker") and depressed by the pain of my tragic characters ("The Saddest Tree"). It impacts how I see and feel about the world, in small, easy to handle doses. I imagine that upon writing something of great length, as I eventually intend to do, the effect will be more drastic.
It is so easy to lose yourself in art. So easy to let what you create crawl under your skin and take hold. Perhaps that is what makes a great artist...one who gives themselves, as a devotion, completely to their trade. That offers themselves to the paint and canvas, the words upon a page, the lyrics in a song or their portrayal of a character, like a candlelight vigil to a God.
Still, those who wish to be artists must be aware that art should be handled with care.
And then somehow this reminded me of an interview with Sting, the vocalist behind The Police. In his earlier years, he tried his hand at acting, and landed himself with mostly evil characters. (I was interested to discover, also, that he was the inspiration behind one of my favorite comic book characters, John Constantine.) In his Behind the Music, he discussed the fact that he played so many sinister characters that he eventually started to think of himself as the antichrist. His own acting, the roles that he was hired to play, crept into his head and began to alter the very way he perceived himself. It's hard, now, so many years later, to think of Sting as evil - much less the antichrist. But sometimes, that's what art does to you.
And then that makes me think of painters, and musicians, and writers, and how so many of them are driven to insanity or have a very distorted perception of the world. People like Vincent Van Gogh, who cut off his own ear, or Kurt Cobain, who took his own life. I think putting yourself into your own art and your own creations can cause you to lose yourself in it...for better, or often, for worse. The art that you create is a part of you, and it consumes you...particularly if you've driven yourself to sing, paint, or write about the more dark aspects of living.
It makes me wonder about my own art...my writing, in particular. Depression, clinically, runs deep in my family, and there was a time when I was younger and more vulnerable that I could definitely feel that. I remember, during those years, that my characters became more real to me than the people around me were. They seemed alive, with their own personalities and distinct characteristics, and writing them wasn't really like coming up with anything new...I was just recording what logically they would say, do, or how they would act. The characters that I, myself, had breathed into life had crept inside of my mind. Taken resident and consumed me. Had my story been one of tragedy, I could see how that would have begun to impact my moods and my behavior. Perhaps I would have started to see the world as a dark and tragic place, and likewise been affected.
And even now, whatever I am working on seems to mold my perceptions. I have more recently been focusing on short stories, so the effect is less drastic, but I can feel it none the less. While writing a tragic tale of love and loss ("Storytelling") I can almost feel the heartache and hopelessness of my hero. I am elated by the triumph of my victors ("The Toymaker") and depressed by the pain of my tragic characters ("The Saddest Tree"). It impacts how I see and feel about the world, in small, easy to handle doses. I imagine that upon writing something of great length, as I eventually intend to do, the effect will be more drastic.
It is so easy to lose yourself in art. So easy to let what you create crawl under your skin and take hold. Perhaps that is what makes a great artist...one who gives themselves, as a devotion, completely to their trade. That offers themselves to the paint and canvas, the words upon a page, the lyrics in a song or their portrayal of a character, like a candlelight vigil to a God.
Still, those who wish to be artists must be aware that art should be handled with care.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tattoos and Me
I've always wanted to get a tattoo, pretty much since I was old enough to have it be a real possibility. I'm one of those people who loves any manner of self-expression, and I've always been fond of giving myself "personal symbols"...especially (as is pretty obvious) the Phoenix. I've been obsessed with the phoenix imagery since somewhere in middle (that's my best estimate...I don't actually remember. It was a long time ago), and so it was always pretty clear what my tattoo should be. A phoenix, on my left shoulder blade.
I designed the actual tattoo one day in physics class on the margins of my notes. It came out perfectly, exactly as I wanted it, so I clipped it out and carried it around with me in my little black Moleskine notebook for about 3 years. By the time I was 22, it was time to finally get it done. Not wanting to go with anyone who wasn't going to be a permanent part of my life, I went with my best friend and mentor Steve to the same person he had gotten his tattoo from...this guy named Matt, who had designed and inked a wolf on his bicep. The morning before I actually went in to have it done, I panicked. Tried to think of every way to get out of it. Wanted to back out.
But knew I'd regret it if I didn't go through with it. Plus, I believe life is about experiences. Getting a tattoo was an experience I wanted to have.
It didn't hurt that much...it was more like being scratched with a needle. And it only took about an hour. Only near the end was I starting to be like, "Dear God, finish already!" It came out great...the artist did an amazing job with shading, and I was really pleased. I never felt like it was something new really...just that it was something that was always supposed to be there, and now it was.
People say that tattoos are addictive, and I said, "No way, I'm only getting one, I'm finished."
Now, four months after my first one, I kinda want another. Not any time soon, but I keep thinking about where I would get it and what I would want. The thing I keep coming back to now is a Tornado (based on the fact that it is a new "personal symbol") or cross made of intertwined barbed wire (something seen in a dream), maybe on my ankle or hip. It's something I'd think about a lot more before doing it.
But I also now love seeing people's tattoos, and hearing the story behind them. It's fascinating to see what drove them to get a certain image permanently placed on their bodies. For some, it was just an impulse, or a random decision. For others, it's something extremely meaningful and well thought through.
So I know there's this stigma against them, sometimes, and always the argument, "Well what if you regret it?" "What's it going to look like 20 years from now?" Etc.
But I personally think there's nothing wrong with any form of self-expression, and in a way, tattoos are one of the deepest forms of doing that. You are choosing a symbol for life. It's like marriage to an idea or an image. It will always be with you.
So if you pick the right thing, it can be really beautiful.
To me, mine is.
Life and Writing
Being a writer, inherently, gives you a very unique outlook on life. On second thought, perhaps it goes deeper than just being a writer. Any sort of story-teller, really, no matter what the medium, looks at the world a little bit differently than most. More specifically, we have a very skewed perception of our own lives.
When things happen to us, we look at it in terms of the overall picture and how the event plays into the story of our life. We have the capacity for assigning deeper meanings and complex metaphors to even the most seemingly simple occurrences and coincidences. We remember certain important conversations with people as little bits of dialogue, and store them away in our memories for later use. Dreams are really tangible ideas that can be turned into elements of stories. We view our lives as one big novel - and dramaticize the good, the bad, and the ugly as necessary.
For me, this has turned into a good thing. It may not be the same for other people, who might view their grand novel as a tragedy and act accordingly. I, on the other hand, have chosen to view my life's novel as a interesting adventure/drama...this may be due to my particular penchant for activities and people that are "interesting", my incredible intolerance to boredom, and my desire to always try new things (even if only once). My personal motto is, perhaps, "Life should always be interesting", and I've often been heard saying that my goal in life is to have an interesting story to tell when I'm dead and talking to other people up in heaven.
I never wanted to sit at a big table with family, friends, strangers, historical figures, celebrities...have them ask me what I did in my life...and only be able to say, "Um...well I was born...went to school...worked...got married...had kids...then died."
No, I wanted to have a lot more to say than that.
So all of this goes back to my outlook in life. Because I've seen my life as this great adventure/drama novel, all of the mistakes that I've made...all of the minor, bad things that happened...all of the fights and tiny dramas...anything that would be a regret...are all okay with me, because even though they were bad at the time, they make my story that much more interesting. It adds the downs to the tale, which make the ups all the more triumphant. I'm able to look at the negative things that have happened in life in a positive manner. All because of that motto. "Life should always be interesting."
I'm not really sure if that's necessarily a good thing. I don't think I was always this way, but I think it's developed with my age and also with my growth as a writer. Maybe it gives me a more reckless outlook towards the things that I do (even though I've always been adventurous within reason...sky diving and other insane things are yet to be checked off my to-do list). Maybe it makes me a little bit restless and impatient for the slow and mundane. It certainly makes it so that certain people can't keep up with me, or maybe don't want to, or see me as too impulsive and fiery.
But I don't think I'd want to be any other way. Because being a writer, and seeing my life as this great novel, has made it so that I'm inherently happy. So as for most of the consequences, they are worth it in the end.
When things happen to us, we look at it in terms of the overall picture and how the event plays into the story of our life. We have the capacity for assigning deeper meanings and complex metaphors to even the most seemingly simple occurrences and coincidences. We remember certain important conversations with people as little bits of dialogue, and store them away in our memories for later use. Dreams are really tangible ideas that can be turned into elements of stories. We view our lives as one big novel - and dramaticize the good, the bad, and the ugly as necessary.
For me, this has turned into a good thing. It may not be the same for other people, who might view their grand novel as a tragedy and act accordingly. I, on the other hand, have chosen to view my life's novel as a interesting adventure/drama...this may be due to my particular penchant for activities and people that are "interesting", my incredible intolerance to boredom, and my desire to always try new things (even if only once). My personal motto is, perhaps, "Life should always be interesting", and I've often been heard saying that my goal in life is to have an interesting story to tell when I'm dead and talking to other people up in heaven.
I never wanted to sit at a big table with family, friends, strangers, historical figures, celebrities...have them ask me what I did in my life...and only be able to say, "Um...well I was born...went to school...worked...got married...had kids...then died."
No, I wanted to have a lot more to say than that.
So all of this goes back to my outlook in life. Because I've seen my life as this great adventure/drama novel, all of the mistakes that I've made...all of the minor, bad things that happened...all of the fights and tiny dramas...anything that would be a regret...are all okay with me, because even though they were bad at the time, they make my story that much more interesting. It adds the downs to the tale, which make the ups all the more triumphant. I'm able to look at the negative things that have happened in life in a positive manner. All because of that motto. "Life should always be interesting."
I'm not really sure if that's necessarily a good thing. I don't think I was always this way, but I think it's developed with my age and also with my growth as a writer. Maybe it gives me a more reckless outlook towards the things that I do (even though I've always been adventurous within reason...sky diving and other insane things are yet to be checked off my to-do list). Maybe it makes me a little bit restless and impatient for the slow and mundane. It certainly makes it so that certain people can't keep up with me, or maybe don't want to, or see me as too impulsive and fiery.
But I don't think I'd want to be any other way. Because being a writer, and seeing my life as this great novel, has made it so that I'm inherently happy. So as for most of the consequences, they are worth it in the end.
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