My Two Desires

When I was a kid, there were two things I wanted more than anything else in the entire world.

The first was maybe a little more obvious: I wanted powers. For whatever reason, the desire to fly or manifest fire or shape shift into different animals was deeply embedded into me, and was the inspiration behind most of my daydreams and stories. It wasn't about having dominance over others or being in control: I desperately wanted the adventure, and the sense of knowing that I was special.

The second wish derived from the same sources (X-Men, Animorphs, etc...all those books and television shows I used to watch when I was young), but was slightly less blatant. I wanted a group. I wanted to be a part of a collection of people who were bonded by a similar goal and destiny, linked by their abilities or by their pasts, who were more than just friends. People who needed and relyed on each other every day, and understood their brethren in a way that no one else could.

I wanted to be a part of something like that.

It's interesting, looking back, how deeply that desire shaped and molded my young life and affects me even today. When I was in middle school and at the peak of my writing production, essentially every story that I wrote involved a "group" of the fashion that I described. They were either bonded by sharing in similar powers, or attending the same underwater boarding school, or fighting the same enemy, but the underlying theme was always the same: with the help of true friends, you can accomplish anything.

And in my actual life, it's very subtly impacted my interactions with other people and my own relationships with my friends. I am attracted to small, close-knit groups of people...I shy away from having numerous half-formed acquaintances with people, in favor of spending the time forging deeper connections with a smaller circle of maybe 5 or 6 people. Subconsciously, I put in effort to bind those people even closer together, by encouraging group outings and inside jokes and songs that remind us of our time together. When I am happiest with the group that I am a part of, it is given a name (ironically, this is not always my creation...many times, it is someone else who initially gives the group a specific name, and then I, loving the idea, roll with it.) In the past, it has been The Square. The Rough Riders. The Triumverate.

And right now, it is The Mafiarage. My group.

Granted, we don't have powers nor a common enemy, put I suppose there is always the chance that we will land ourselves in some nuclear waste and suddenly sprout wings or something, right? (My hometown of East Lyme, Connecticut is 5 miles away from a nuclear power plant. Score!)

The hard thing is that in real life, it's hard keeping a group like that together. It's difficult maintaining contact with people when they start moving away, getting jobs, begin new relationships, or simply change into someone new. It seems like in my past experience, "groups" have an expiration date, have a half life. Eventually, they start breaking apart, quietly and unnoticed. Then, eventually, it is time to find a new group.

I love the people that I am friends with now. They are all amazing, interesting, insane, hilarious, sometimes obnoxious, wonderful people. Every outing is memorable - every night an adventure. I love the Mafiarage and everything it is that we are, and hope, to the depths of my core, that it will be a lasting friendship, because I do believe that there are bonds that withstand the tests of time and distance. I am happy knowing that, despite my lack of powers, part of my wishes have been fulfilled, at least for a time.

And who knows? It may not last forever, but at least I was able to experience that kind of closeness in my life, and look back on it someday and smile. That is the beauty of being a collector of memories and experiences - you can hold on to those forever. So for now, I will enjoy my group, for as long as I have it.

As for the powers: well, you never know.