The Character of Me

If I were a character in a movie, who would I be?

Am I the girl who cowers in the corner and screams at the first sign of danger, or am I the woman with a tight outfit, gun strapped to her leg and mischievous glint in her eye, ready to play the hero?

Am I the outwardly-perfect girlfriend who the protagonist can never truly love, or am I the exotic, adventurous newcomer who opens his eyes to the world and what true love means?

Am I the small-town hopeful who desperately wishes that her dreams would come and find her, or am I the strong-minded career woman who seeks out her ambitions and makes them into reality?

The average woman faded into the background, or the superhero with powers beyond comprehension?

The self-conscious complainer who puts herself down, or self-confident athlete who could care less what the world thinks of her?

The prey, or the predator?

I know what it is that I want to be, and what I hope someday to become. I want to be the woman that other girls can admire, look up to and strive to be. I want to be the lead.

I know what it is that I want.

But which am I?

Ugh

Veronica:

Systematically dismantling relationships since 1985.

Hurt Ramblings

I have this ugly big gash on the joint of my right index finger...another, smaller, a little further up on the same knuckle. That came from punching a wall. Good idea when angry and a little tipsy - bad idea when you wake up the next morning and find yourself bandaging the injury.

Earlier today, I cried in the shower. After some heart-wrenching news, I let myself slide down the side of the stall, curl my arms around my legs, and sob...not for a long time, but these little sporadic bursts. I'd wash...allow my mind to drift to some dismaying thought...then let out a few seconds of tears. Rinse. Repeat.

I feel like I've been here before...maybe this is not nearly so bad as it used to be, but it all seems so familiar. Three summers ago and the subsequent year, through the entirety of my relationship with Zack, I was in an insane tornado of emotions, with most of them being bad. Then, my pain manifested in frequent, horrible crying, intense depression, and scars along my skin which, I believe, nobody notices except me. (One I am particularly fond of, as it faces me any time I drive...a spider-web thin mark on the inner flesh of my arm, untraceable to most but distinctly me.)

And maybe it even reminds me a little bit of the heartache I felt a mere year ago when things with Trent went from disappointing to awful. There was this intense, terrible sense of embarrassment and helplessness and...betrayal. Like, how could I put in so much effort into this relationship, and you put in nothing? Look at all I've given up for you...what have you even dared to give up for me? What have you done to make this work.

That feeling, too, is very familiar.

And I hate being the girlfriend that gets upset...the one that is hurt every other night by something you've done. And for the past couple of weeks, I've blamed myself and told myself that it was my fault...I was being irrational and over-emotional and I just needed to deal with it and not care and things would be fine.

And then maybe, in a strange sense, this is the last straw.

I dealt with it okay when he stopped sending sweet text messages telling me that he loved and missed me, because when ever I came to visit, they would start up again after I left...for a little while. I was alright when the calls became less frequent and shorter. When the summer first started, we were on the phone ALL the time, for hours and hours on end, often playing a video game together. After the video game lost it's novelty and the day-time minutes began to rack up, the time that we spent in contact got a lot shorter, and I attributed it mostly to those other more reasonable factors...nothing to do with our relationship. I tried to let it go.

And then there was the night about a week ago, when I was told that I was "high maintenance" when it came to phone calls and how I shouldn't be upset if he didn't call one night and "just forgot." I cried...hard. I tried to argue my case that a phone call shows effort...it shows that you care...that you are thinking about the other person. And when he told me that he wasn't trying to insinuate anything or set me up for a bigger fall and that everything was fine with us...I tried really hard to believe him, and let it go.

Maybe it was around this time that I began to notice all the really happy couples, that we once were. The ones who leave away messages that say "Love you" to their significant other on their away message, or are constantly texting them with sweet messages, or SO excited to see them. I wondered where that had gone.

And here I am, now. Having rearranged my schedule and switched my work load around so that I could go and see him for a few days...sleep next to the man who says he loves me. And when I asked "Do you want me to come and see you tonight or tomorrow", I got the reply (2 hours later)..."Tomorrow sounds good."

Not a big deal, right?

Somehow, it just stung...so much.

"Why not tonight?" I ask. Curious.

"I'm with my friends tonight. Band stuff."

With friends he had seen the past 4 nights in a row. Who lived a whopping 5 minutes down the street. He can see them any time. Where as I...I live 3 and a half hours away. I was willing to take 4 hours and spend $70 in gas just so that I could be with him. And who does he choose? Not me.

And I miss those days when he used to get ecstatic to see me and beg me to come down a little bit earlier...just so I could see him. I am so pained at the loss of the nights when he would text me to tell me how excited he was to see me. Now when I ask if he's still up for having me come visit I get : "Yuppers."

Oh, fantastic.

I think I deserve better than this, and I think that my patience is wearing thin.

Name Your Fears

I am, inherently, a very emotional person.

I am primarily driven by my feelings, in all that I say and do and choose, for better or for worse.

It is for this reason that my friend Steve affectionately dubbed me as the "emotional fireball", and refers to solving any emotional crisis of mine as "defusing the time-bomb". He is fully aware that, left to my own devices, I will rethink and reanalyze something until it eats away at me and I eventually (metaphorically) explode...often with unfortunate consequences. My feelings need to be kept in check.

In some ways, my extremely emotional nature has been a positive force in my life. I am capable of loving, caring for, and enjoying things more deeply than most people...my feelings on such matters run deep and impenetrably. Yet, it can also manifest in very negative ways. I am prone to extreme fits of sadness, anxiety, fear, helplessness and anger. Most of the time, I'm very good at hiding these bouts -- sometimes, not so much, and it ends up negatively impacting my relationships with people.

I've been needing to find a way to control these emotions, and have a better handle on them. At 23 years of age, and with a full span of life ahead of me, I don't want to be owned and kept down by my own negativity. I want to live happily and positively, no matter what the situation. I want to be confident in myself, without needing the approval of others. This can be accomplished by becoming the master of my own feelings.

One way of doing this, as I was recently reading in Self magazine (July 2008), is to give those negative feelings a separate identity from yourself...even up to donning on them a name or an image...so that rather than accepting those emotions as an inevitable part of who you are, you can deal with them and confront them...do something about them. You can tell that mean little voice in your head to be quiet, and silence it. You can choose to talk back to every insult, every put-down, until you begin to believe in the positive reassurance yourself. Until eventually those negative, irrational feelings begin to back down, and you can replace them with positive, logical thoughts.

Apparently this is something practiced by Buddhists, known as vipassana or apostrophizing.

In scientific studies, it apparently changes the activity location in the brain to label an emotion rather than to simply allow yourself to be engulfed in it.

I've been practicing it today. Every time that a self-deprecating thought floats through my mind, I try to challenge it and negate it...strip the thought of its power, and thus divert the emotion. So far, it seems to be helping, if only a little bit. But I imagine that with a great deal of practice, it can really help to silence that awkward, self-conscious voice that everybody has in their mind. I'm hoping especially that it can help me to get over my relationship anxieties, so that rather that succumb to worries about my boyfriend, I can merely identify my fears and say, "Those thoughts are unlikely. He loves me, so just relax." And hopefully, I can listen to that voice instead.

I'll try to update a little bit more about how this works out for me in the future.

But hey, I'm trying.

Karma...

Maybe I'm being rewarded for doing the right thing, and sticking to my convictions.

Maybe karma is acting in my favor.

All I know is that I had a choice tonight...one where, in the past, I probably would have taken the unrighteous path. Instead, I chose to be the better person and do I what I felt was right. It seemed like my long-delayed sense of guilt had finally kicked in, helping to lead me towards all the right choices.

And then, in turn, I got exactly what I wanted and needed to feel happy.

Karma can be a bitch.

But only if you go the wrong way.

If you stick to your values and morals, karma can be your best friend.

Random Musings

I have had a lot of experiences in my life when it comes to relationships. I've dealt with the long-term, the short-term, the very very short-term, and the undefined. Some have been wonderful, some lacking, and some downright horrible. Through all of them, I like to think that I've learned a lot about myself and what it is I'm looking for in a relationship...and also, what I'm not. I've grown stronger as an individual through each of them, even if I had to be completely broken down in order for that to happen. I've become a more mature person for it.

For example, my two-year stint in an emotionally abusive relationship has taught me that I will never put up with being treated that way again, and that I deserve better than that.

In more recent times, I've discovered that I have the strength to end things myself rather than wait pitifully for them to be cut off for me, when I know that something is wrong.

Yet, there are certain ways in which my past experiences have affected me negatively, especially when dating someone new. I am rather paranoid, for all of the times that I was formerly betrayed. I am cautious when revealing my true nature and self, due to the ridicule I endured by a boyfriend who was less-than accepting of my personality. My last few relationships were outwardly blissful when they were suddenly and unexpectedly ended, leading me to feel constantly vulnerable to a spontaneous break-up. And when my last boyfriend left me for someone else...well, maybe to a degree I feel less self-confident in myself for it.

In many ways, these feelings are ridiculous, and I hate them about myself. I have been in a relationship now for the past 6 months, which someone who has, for the most part, given me no reasons not to trust him. With the exception of one mistake, he has always called when he said he would. He is loving and affectionate and only unkind in jest. He loves me, and acts accordingly, and is reassuring that he would never betray or destroy what we have.

And yet, the insecurities derived from my past still eat at me...still cause me worry.

When he's out at a party or large social gathering, I can't help but feel anxious that he will meet someone else...forget about me...neglect to call...all thoughts that are ridiculous, considering the positive trend in our relationship that we've had so far.

Maybe I'm afraid to be happy, for fear that the happiness will end, and I'll be left looking like a fool for believing it to be true.

Yet, I don't think that it's wise to allow such past experiences to destroy what you have now. Putting expectations on a new person based on what others did before will only be detrimental to the bond that you are forming. A relationship can only be build strongly with trust, and to deny it that would cause a flimsy and unstable foundation. And I do truly believe that good people...good men...are out there, simply hiding amongst the masses of jerks. (I once estimated the ratio to be about 9:1). It would be a tragedy to drive one of those kind-hearted, loving, devoted men away, just because of the flaws of another.

And so tonight, as I sit at home writing in my blog, while my boyfriend is out at a social gathering with a few guy friends, I'm trying not to worry.

Because he's given me no reason to thus far.

And so, for now, I should trust.

The Biggest Flaw

A while ago, I wrote a poem that outlined my greatest faults, in a therapeutic attempt to dissect my own personality and come to a greater understanding of my own inadequacies...and maybe, through that, be able to fix them. That poem, to this day, is still one of my favorite poems that I have ever written.

Yet, over the last few months I have realized that I have an even greater flaw that I never thought to include...perhaps because it is so deeply embedded in me that I hardly noticed it was there. Or maybe I just thought it was natural, and something that everyone goes through. I desperately, tragically, constantly avoid anything uncomfortable or any confrontation. I don't deal well with anger or frustration or having the blame placed on me, even when it is most certainly my fault. I will lie to escape any sort of uncomfortable situation - I will avoid someone inevitably, just to escape an argument. I suppose I am happier with the unknown - never reaching a conclusion to a problem, just because I don't want to deal with the problem itself.

And I'll avoid knowledge that may be negative...avoid finding out something that may make me unhappy or upset, just because I fear deeply those emotions. And though there might be comfort or relief in knowing, it's a chance I do not take.

It's funny, because I see it in my own brother. I watch as he, day after day, refuses to look at his class grades online, just because he is afraid of what they will be. He will wait, stubbornly, until they come in the mail and he HAS to deal with them...just because he'd rather keep his blissful ignorance for a while. It's funny how similar we can be at times.

It's a flaw we both should really work on, and strive to change. And knowing that I have this error in my make, you'd think that it would be easy to overcome it and reach a better state of my own self. But even in that, too, I am stubborn...and even in that, I avoid the uncomfortable effort that comes with making the change.