The Biggest Flaw

A while ago, I wrote a poem that outlined my greatest faults, in a therapeutic attempt to dissect my own personality and come to a greater understanding of my own inadequacies...and maybe, through that, be able to fix them. That poem, to this day, is still one of my favorite poems that I have ever written.

Yet, over the last few months I have realized that I have an even greater flaw that I never thought to include...perhaps because it is so deeply embedded in me that I hardly noticed it was there. Or maybe I just thought it was natural, and something that everyone goes through. I desperately, tragically, constantly avoid anything uncomfortable or any confrontation. I don't deal well with anger or frustration or having the blame placed on me, even when it is most certainly my fault. I will lie to escape any sort of uncomfortable situation - I will avoid someone inevitably, just to escape an argument. I suppose I am happier with the unknown - never reaching a conclusion to a problem, just because I don't want to deal with the problem itself.

And I'll avoid knowledge that may be negative...avoid finding out something that may make me unhappy or upset, just because I fear deeply those emotions. And though there might be comfort or relief in knowing, it's a chance I do not take.

It's funny, because I see it in my own brother. I watch as he, day after day, refuses to look at his class grades online, just because he is afraid of what they will be. He will wait, stubbornly, until they come in the mail and he HAS to deal with them...just because he'd rather keep his blissful ignorance for a while. It's funny how similar we can be at times.

It's a flaw we both should really work on, and strive to change. And knowing that I have this error in my make, you'd think that it would be easy to overcome it and reach a better state of my own self. But even in that, too, I am stubborn...and even in that, I avoid the uncomfortable effort that comes with making the change.