Random Musings

I have had a lot of experiences in my life when it comes to relationships. I've dealt with the long-term, the short-term, the very very short-term, and the undefined. Some have been wonderful, some lacking, and some downright horrible. Through all of them, I like to think that I've learned a lot about myself and what it is I'm looking for in a relationship...and also, what I'm not. I've grown stronger as an individual through each of them, even if I had to be completely broken down in order for that to happen. I've become a more mature person for it.

For example, my two-year stint in an emotionally abusive relationship has taught me that I will never put up with being treated that way again, and that I deserve better than that.

In more recent times, I've discovered that I have the strength to end things myself rather than wait pitifully for them to be cut off for me, when I know that something is wrong.

Yet, there are certain ways in which my past experiences have affected me negatively, especially when dating someone new. I am rather paranoid, for all of the times that I was formerly betrayed. I am cautious when revealing my true nature and self, due to the ridicule I endured by a boyfriend who was less-than accepting of my personality. My last few relationships were outwardly blissful when they were suddenly and unexpectedly ended, leading me to feel constantly vulnerable to a spontaneous break-up. And when my last boyfriend left me for someone else...well, maybe to a degree I feel less self-confident in myself for it.

In many ways, these feelings are ridiculous, and I hate them about myself. I have been in a relationship now for the past 6 months, which someone who has, for the most part, given me no reasons not to trust him. With the exception of one mistake, he has always called when he said he would. He is loving and affectionate and only unkind in jest. He loves me, and acts accordingly, and is reassuring that he would never betray or destroy what we have.

And yet, the insecurities derived from my past still eat at me...still cause me worry.

When he's out at a party or large social gathering, I can't help but feel anxious that he will meet someone else...forget about me...neglect to call...all thoughts that are ridiculous, considering the positive trend in our relationship that we've had so far.

Maybe I'm afraid to be happy, for fear that the happiness will end, and I'll be left looking like a fool for believing it to be true.

Yet, I don't think that it's wise to allow such past experiences to destroy what you have now. Putting expectations on a new person based on what others did before will only be detrimental to the bond that you are forming. A relationship can only be build strongly with trust, and to deny it that would cause a flimsy and unstable foundation. And I do truly believe that good people...good men...are out there, simply hiding amongst the masses of jerks. (I once estimated the ratio to be about 9:1). It would be a tragedy to drive one of those kind-hearted, loving, devoted men away, just because of the flaws of another.

And so tonight, as I sit at home writing in my blog, while my boyfriend is out at a social gathering with a few guy friends, I'm trying not to worry.

Because he's given me no reason to thus far.

And so, for now, I should trust.