Letting Go

In general, I am a very adaptive person.

It never takes me very long to adjust to a new situation or new place or new people. I've always launched myself into unfamiliar situations, however uncertain at first, and ended up being completely fine with it in the matter of a week or two. I remember the intense nerves that I felt the day before I left for college. My stomach was in knots and I kept uncontrollably feeling the urge to cry, thinking that I'd be far from my family and my room and everything I knew. But by the time that I got there, I felt completely comfortable and was excited by the new chapter in my life. I adjusted far faster than most.

And even in the loss of relationships, I've always adapted rapidly. It's not that I get over the person, or that I forget about them, but I become okay with the new situation quickly. I do not mourn, so much, the loss of a title.

However, I've often mourned the loss of a person. It's very hard for me to let go of someone who has been a big part of my life, in any fashion. With friendships, it's usually so gradual. You begin to drift apart as the years pass on, and before you know it, you rarely talk to the person and only speak to them on occasion, and the conversation is always so awkward and about big details. The earmarks of a truly close friendship is that you can talk about the most inane, minute aspects of your day, because they speak with you so often and already know the huge events. Once you become more like acquaintances, it is so uncomfortable and uneasy because you can no longer discuss those things.

The earth and the moon cannot talk about the trees and the people and the animals because they are so distant. They can only talk about land and ocean and turning.

Maybe a Great Wall here or there.

With friendships, sometimes its easier to let go because it's such a slow process. It is only so painful on reflection. It's always been difficult for me to let go of people after the break of a relationship, because it is a sudden and swift action. You often go from talking to the person every day, seeing them every free moment, to not having any contact with them at all. It's difficult for me to lose a person in that sense. There's still a part of me that wants to know about their life and what they are doing and how they are, in a purely platonic sense. Just to know that they are happy, and okay. It's why I struggle and try to stay friends with all of my exes, for the most part with success. We are by no means close, but on good and friendly terms.

Maybe this is a bad thing. Maybe there is something to be said about a complete break. It is less painful, in the long run, and better for future relationships. There is no one for a current boyfriend to feel jealous or worried about, how ever unnecessarily. The nature of my friend Steve's relationship with his exes reminds me of this.

But I've never been good with the loss of a person. And I think knowing that it would be wrong of me to say hello, or IM, or call, and ask how they are doing, would be too painful for me.

So I leave it as it is.