For the past several months...or perhaps even longer than that...I have been feeling this strange disconnect from God, who I've always felt very bonded to and believed in with out any hesitation or doubt. It wasn't that this feeling made me question my beliefs or rethink my religion...it was simply that, somewhere, I had been lost. I had always felt like God was constantly right beside me, protecting me and aiding me even in my most miserable hours, cushioning the blows. Somewhere along the way, I lost that.
Maybe it was from the overwhelming compilation of my mistakes that had started to build up over the past two years. Maybe it was from lack of communication...the fact that I hadn't really prayed or even just talked with him colloquially in ages. Perhaps it was a culmination of all these things. It was a dreadful feeling...the sense that, even more than before, I was completely and utterly alone. And having lost the connection, I feared over my quality as a person and what fate would await me in the afterlife. I remembered hearing during some Bible class that if you committed enough sins, and they were horrible enough, your heart would be hardened from God.
I had never really understood exactly what that meant...but was that what had happened to me?
The past few months, since June really, have been unusually difficult for me. Financial, educational, work, health, and relationship problems began to stack up, one on top of the other, until it seemed like I was drowning in the weight of my responsibilities. I had never encountered so many difficulties all at once...it seemed like perhaps God had truly abandoned his post as protector, and let the negative forces of the world into my previously carefree life. For a while, I took it upon myself to blame my creator, to yell and chastise him for allowing these things to happen, to blaming him for all of the things I was too weak to blame on myself.
Then, perhaps somewhere, that yelling turned into begging. And that begging into pleading. The pleading into prayer.
And today, at a moment when I was feeling vulnerable and lost...truly alone and not knowing my way...wanting desperately to know some manner of hope...something happened.
I was driving in the car, on my way back home, listening to Matt Nathanson blare through the stereo. The song was "Car Crash", a wistful tune of promise. And a strong gust blew through the trees, sending a cascade of yellow, orange and red leaves dancing about my car in a blustery embrace. It elated my heart to see such a thing of beauty...it seemed as though it had been sent for me. And I had a deep, unshakable feeling that it was a message...a hug...from someone I had thought had long abandoned me.
That feeling brought tears to my eyes, so powerful was it.
Maybe this all seems crazy, blathering, non-sensicle. Perhaps those who do not believe in God will think me to be some over-the-top, preaching Christian, trying to force everyone to think and believe as I do. And perhaps it seems I'm overexaggerating a miniscule, natural event, and turning it into something meaningful.
But all that matters is that I felt it.
And it's nice to feel as though he's back.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Darkness
Should death be feared, or accepted?
Is it something we should come to terms with, or bitterly struggle to deny?
There are moments when I regard it with a sense of calm -- an understanding that it will come, and a peace about the passing. And then there are moments when the very idea terrifies me.
Perhaps the terrifying thing is not the act of death itself, but the "how".
And the "who". Who will I be when that day comes? Will I be the person that I want to be? Will I have shaped and molded myself into the type of person that I've worked these 23 years towards becoming?
And then the "what". What will I have done with the time that I've spent here? And what mistakes will I have made...what skeletons will follow me into my grave, and what will I fear dragging me down upon my arrival to the heavenly gates?
Perhaps it is not the idea of death itself, for me, which is terrifying...the fact that, in my life, I've made my mistakes, and my fear that I will not have had the time to correct them before I get there.
Or worse, that some are not correctable.
Is it something we should come to terms with, or bitterly struggle to deny?
There are moments when I regard it with a sense of calm -- an understanding that it will come, and a peace about the passing. And then there are moments when the very idea terrifies me.
Perhaps the terrifying thing is not the act of death itself, but the "how".
And the "who". Who will I be when that day comes? Will I be the person that I want to be? Will I have shaped and molded myself into the type of person that I've worked these 23 years towards becoming?
And then the "what". What will I have done with the time that I've spent here? And what mistakes will I have made...what skeletons will follow me into my grave, and what will I fear dragging me down upon my arrival to the heavenly gates?
Perhaps it is not the idea of death itself, for me, which is terrifying...the fact that, in my life, I've made my mistakes, and my fear that I will not have had the time to correct them before I get there.
Or worse, that some are not correctable.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Relationships versus Friendships
In terms of social connections, our friendships are often highly underrated.
Relationships are the big-budget, million-dollar blockbuster movies that everyone talks about and hypes up, until they line up in front of the box office on opening night to watch the 12 o'clock premier.
Friendships are the quiet, independent films that you accidentally happen up or are recommended to, and watch while snuggled up on the couch in pajamas on a Wednesday night.
Relationships are stressed and idealized in our society -- friendships are treated as something ordinary or given, like it is nothing special nor unique to have them.
Relationships are seen as the diamond -- friendships the rough.
I reject this thinking. Relationships often suffer from being far more flawed then our friendships are. Like the blockbuster movie, a relationship can occasionally live up to expectations...but so frequently it ends up being quite a disappointment, particularly after the build up. In relationships you endure the worry, the pain, the fights, the little tiffs, the things about them that irk you, the "conversations" about where everything is going. So often they go awry, and last long after their expiration date.
This is not to say that relationships are without their high, wonderful, exquisite points...it's only to say that they are far more complicated.
And yet friendships, so often, are so simple. They are easy, and fun, and relaxed. Fights are so much less common...it is so much more difficult to be hurt or let down by your friends. There is a special bond in knowing so much about another person, and with no other agenda then to simply spend time together. There is no wondering (usually anyways) about their motives, and you don't need to question where the friendship is going...it simply, beautifully is. And yet, these wonderful gems in our lives...the associations that make every heartache livable and every outing memorable...are placed second in line to the relationship. Shouldn't our friends be placed first? Not necessarily because we should spend more time with them than a significant other...but because long after a relationship has ended, your friends will still be there.
At least, I know mine will be. Maybe for that I am lucky.
But that brings me back to my point. I shouldn't just shrug my shoulders and consider it the norm that I have been blessed with friends who love me and care about me. I should feel exceptionally lucky to have them in my life.
And also, even with friendships, there are those moments of pure elation and happiness where you can feel 100% complete. That feeling is not relationship exclusive. I have felt it before myself, with my friendships.
...Stumbling into my best friend's house at 2 AM, crashing into his bed next to him and falling asleep, and having him not even mind...
...Walking in the middle of a turf farm at midnight with three close friends, an armful of blankets and a plastic baggy full of candy to lay out amongst the stars and enjoy idle conversation...
...Laughing over dinner and drinks with my four best girlfriends and knowing that, despite months apart from each other, our bond is still the same...
...Enjoying a night out, complete with movie, strip-club and cigar by the beach with my mentor and friend...
...or even a few days ago...driving in the car down the highway, listening to music and singing Journey, with three friends who make me laugh.
Moments like that...moments with true friends...is pure joy.
Relationships are the big-budget, million-dollar blockbuster movies that everyone talks about and hypes up, until they line up in front of the box office on opening night to watch the 12 o'clock premier.
Friendships are the quiet, independent films that you accidentally happen up or are recommended to, and watch while snuggled up on the couch in pajamas on a Wednesday night.
Relationships are stressed and idealized in our society -- friendships are treated as something ordinary or given, like it is nothing special nor unique to have them.
Relationships are seen as the diamond -- friendships the rough.
I reject this thinking. Relationships often suffer from being far more flawed then our friendships are. Like the blockbuster movie, a relationship can occasionally live up to expectations...but so frequently it ends up being quite a disappointment, particularly after the build up. In relationships you endure the worry, the pain, the fights, the little tiffs, the things about them that irk you, the "conversations" about where everything is going. So often they go awry, and last long after their expiration date.
This is not to say that relationships are without their high, wonderful, exquisite points...it's only to say that they are far more complicated.
And yet friendships, so often, are so simple. They are easy, and fun, and relaxed. Fights are so much less common...it is so much more difficult to be hurt or let down by your friends. There is a special bond in knowing so much about another person, and with no other agenda then to simply spend time together. There is no wondering (usually anyways) about their motives, and you don't need to question where the friendship is going...it simply, beautifully is. And yet, these wonderful gems in our lives...the associations that make every heartache livable and every outing memorable...are placed second in line to the relationship. Shouldn't our friends be placed first? Not necessarily because we should spend more time with them than a significant other...but because long after a relationship has ended, your friends will still be there.
At least, I know mine will be. Maybe for that I am lucky.
But that brings me back to my point. I shouldn't just shrug my shoulders and consider it the norm that I have been blessed with friends who love me and care about me. I should feel exceptionally lucky to have them in my life.
And also, even with friendships, there are those moments of pure elation and happiness where you can feel 100% complete. That feeling is not relationship exclusive. I have felt it before myself, with my friendships.
...Stumbling into my best friend's house at 2 AM, crashing into his bed next to him and falling asleep, and having him not even mind...
...Walking in the middle of a turf farm at midnight with three close friends, an armful of blankets and a plastic baggy full of candy to lay out amongst the stars and enjoy idle conversation...
...Laughing over dinner and drinks with my four best girlfriends and knowing that, despite months apart from each other, our bond is still the same...
...Enjoying a night out, complete with movie, strip-club and cigar by the beach with my mentor and friend...
...or even a few days ago...driving in the car down the highway, listening to music and singing Journey, with three friends who make me laugh.
Moments like that...moments with true friends...is pure joy.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Why Not Me?
I'm shamelessly going to mope now, and feel bad for myself.
So maybe I'm not a perfect person, and maybe I've made some (a lot) of mistakes in my past. Maybe I have a walk-in closet of skeletons and secrets that I've kept from most of the world, and maybe I live my life a little manically and recklessly in an endless search for something to make life meaningful and satisfying. Yet, everything that I've gone through and everything that I've done has brought me, now, to the person that I am and the person that I am going to be come. I like that person, and I wouldn't be her if I hadn't had all the life lessons that taught me about myself.
And for all my flaws and all my faults, I feel like I deserve to be loved and in a happy relationship just as much as anybody else. In truth, that's a half of all that I want out of life...to have adventures, and to find the right person to have those adventures with.
And all around me, it seems like everyone is getting paired up and married, while my latest relationship has recently gone down the drain for reasons that, still, baffle me. It hurts even more because it was with someone who I could REALLY see myself being with, for the long run...someone I felt so completely comfortable and compatible with. It begs the question, if that relationship couldn't work out for me, then which one will? And what is the likelihood that I'll find someone so much like me again?
I really want to be with someone who I can stand still with, and just enjoy every moment and not have to worry that they are going to leave me on a moments whim...to trust, and be assured that they will be there tomorrow. I want the person who is sweet, dependable yet adventurous, affectionate, free to demonstrate their love, interesting, intelligent, and who is proud and feels lucky to be with me. The one who will love me despite my past, my flaws, and all the things I've done, and see the person that I am now. The one who will hold me when I cry.
It sounds stupid, but perhaps that was one of the biggest things that troubled me about my last boyfriend. When I was upset and in tears, he just wanted to talk about the problem and how to fix it. Men need to understand that when a girl cries, she just wants to be held, and told that she's loved, and everything will be okay.
Have I placed impossible standards on my vision for a future mate? Is there anyone out there who so exists, who can stay next to me for the long haul? Who is willing, and ready, to make that kind of a commitment?
3 weeks post break-up, I'm still feeling lonely and a little depressed.
I guess I just have to trust that I will have that kind of happiness again. I've been in love before, and I'm sure (sparing death) that it won't be the last time. I know there will come a day when I meet the right person for me, and all my waiting will pay off...truly, for I will not have settled for anything less then real love. And I will be glad for my waiting, and for everything that brought me to him, and every stupid relationship that ended and every tear that I cried, because otherwise I would not have been free to be with him.
I know this.
I'm just getting a little impatient.
So maybe I'm not a perfect person, and maybe I've made some (a lot) of mistakes in my past. Maybe I have a walk-in closet of skeletons and secrets that I've kept from most of the world, and maybe I live my life a little manically and recklessly in an endless search for something to make life meaningful and satisfying. Yet, everything that I've gone through and everything that I've done has brought me, now, to the person that I am and the person that I am going to be come. I like that person, and I wouldn't be her if I hadn't had all the life lessons that taught me about myself.
And for all my flaws and all my faults, I feel like I deserve to be loved and in a happy relationship just as much as anybody else. In truth, that's a half of all that I want out of life...to have adventures, and to find the right person to have those adventures with.
And all around me, it seems like everyone is getting paired up and married, while my latest relationship has recently gone down the drain for reasons that, still, baffle me. It hurts even more because it was with someone who I could REALLY see myself being with, for the long run...someone I felt so completely comfortable and compatible with. It begs the question, if that relationship couldn't work out for me, then which one will? And what is the likelihood that I'll find someone so much like me again?
I really want to be with someone who I can stand still with, and just enjoy every moment and not have to worry that they are going to leave me on a moments whim...to trust, and be assured that they will be there tomorrow. I want the person who is sweet, dependable yet adventurous, affectionate, free to demonstrate their love, interesting, intelligent, and who is proud and feels lucky to be with me. The one who will love me despite my past, my flaws, and all the things I've done, and see the person that I am now. The one who will hold me when I cry.
It sounds stupid, but perhaps that was one of the biggest things that troubled me about my last boyfriend. When I was upset and in tears, he just wanted to talk about the problem and how to fix it. Men need to understand that when a girl cries, she just wants to be held, and told that she's loved, and everything will be okay.
Have I placed impossible standards on my vision for a future mate? Is there anyone out there who so exists, who can stay next to me for the long haul? Who is willing, and ready, to make that kind of a commitment?
3 weeks post break-up, I'm still feeling lonely and a little depressed.
I guess I just have to trust that I will have that kind of happiness again. I've been in love before, and I'm sure (sparing death) that it won't be the last time. I know there will come a day when I meet the right person for me, and all my waiting will pay off...truly, for I will not have settled for anything less then real love. And I will be glad for my waiting, and for everything that brought me to him, and every stupid relationship that ended and every tear that I cried, because otherwise I would not have been free to be with him.
I know this.
I'm just getting a little impatient.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Let's Start From Square One...
Newly single. Only about a week and a half, or so. Slowly starting to feel better, after a record-breaking (for me) 5 days of crying. Beginning to move on.
I heal fast.
The details of the break up up are muddled, and I'll go into that at another time. Let's just say for now that...he wasn't ready for the seriousness of our relationship, and to be in something that might potentially, inevitably lead to marriage. This is despite the fact that, allegedly, he still loves me.
What I really wanted to share was this quote from the last episode of Sex and the City, when Carrie breaks it off with her latest flame, Aleksandr Petrovsky, due to his inability to give her exactly what she needs in a relationship. She says:
"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. I'm not going to find it here in this expensive hotel suite, in Paris."
What she is looking for, in this episode...that it what I'm looking for. And despite the fact that I love my ex-boyfriend desperately, and probably will for a while, he can't give me what I need right now. I'm not going to find that love from him. In that instance, it's better that I be single, so that I can continue on my quest to find it. Maybe someday, after he's had his fun and is done gallivanting, that can be him, and he will be the one to give me what I need. Maybe not. But I know what it is that I'm looking for.
And I'm sure as hell not going to settle.
I heal fast.
The details of the break up up are muddled, and I'll go into that at another time. Let's just say for now that...he wasn't ready for the seriousness of our relationship, and to be in something that might potentially, inevitably lead to marriage. This is despite the fact that, allegedly, he still loves me.
What I really wanted to share was this quote from the last episode of Sex and the City, when Carrie breaks it off with her latest flame, Aleksandr Petrovsky, due to his inability to give her exactly what she needs in a relationship. She says:
"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. I'm not going to find it here in this expensive hotel suite, in Paris."
What she is looking for, in this episode...that it what I'm looking for. And despite the fact that I love my ex-boyfriend desperately, and probably will for a while, he can't give me what I need right now. I'm not going to find that love from him. In that instance, it's better that I be single, so that I can continue on my quest to find it. Maybe someday, after he's had his fun and is done gallivanting, that can be him, and he will be the one to give me what I need. Maybe not. But I know what it is that I'm looking for.
And I'm sure as hell not going to settle.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The Character of Me
If I were a character in a movie, who would I be?
Am I the girl who cowers in the corner and screams at the first sign of danger, or am I the woman with a tight outfit, gun strapped to her leg and mischievous glint in her eye, ready to play the hero?
Am I the outwardly-perfect girlfriend who the protagonist can never truly love, or am I the exotic, adventurous newcomer who opens his eyes to the world and what true love means?
Am I the small-town hopeful who desperately wishes that her dreams would come and find her, or am I the strong-minded career woman who seeks out her ambitions and makes them into reality?
The average woman faded into the background, or the superhero with powers beyond comprehension?
The self-conscious complainer who puts herself down, or self-confident athlete who could care less what the world thinks of her?
The prey, or the predator?
I know what it is that I want to be, and what I hope someday to become. I want to be the woman that other girls can admire, look up to and strive to be. I want to be the lead.
I know what it is that I want.
But which am I?
Am I the girl who cowers in the corner and screams at the first sign of danger, or am I the woman with a tight outfit, gun strapped to her leg and mischievous glint in her eye, ready to play the hero?
Am I the outwardly-perfect girlfriend who the protagonist can never truly love, or am I the exotic, adventurous newcomer who opens his eyes to the world and what true love means?
Am I the small-town hopeful who desperately wishes that her dreams would come and find her, or am I the strong-minded career woman who seeks out her ambitions and makes them into reality?
The average woman faded into the background, or the superhero with powers beyond comprehension?
The self-conscious complainer who puts herself down, or self-confident athlete who could care less what the world thinks of her?
The prey, or the predator?
I know what it is that I want to be, and what I hope someday to become. I want to be the woman that other girls can admire, look up to and strive to be. I want to be the lead.
I know what it is that I want.
But which am I?
Monday, July 7, 2008
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