Relationships versus Friendships

In terms of social connections, our friendships are often highly underrated.

Relationships are the big-budget, million-dollar blockbuster movies that everyone talks about and hypes up, until they line up in front of the box office on opening night to watch the 12 o'clock premier.

Friendships are the quiet, independent films that you accidentally happen up or are recommended to, and watch while snuggled up on the couch in pajamas on a Wednesday night.

Relationships are stressed and idealized in our society -- friendships are treated as something ordinary or given, like it is nothing special nor unique to have them.

Relationships are seen as the diamond -- friendships the rough.

I reject this thinking. Relationships often suffer from being far more flawed then our friendships are. Like the blockbuster movie, a relationship can occasionally live up to expectations...but so frequently it ends up being quite a disappointment, particularly after the build up. In relationships you endure the worry, the pain, the fights, the little tiffs, the things about them that irk you, the "conversations" about where everything is going. So often they go awry, and last long after their expiration date.

This is not to say that relationships are without their high, wonderful, exquisite points...it's only to say that they are far more complicated.

And yet friendships, so often, are so simple. They are easy, and fun, and relaxed. Fights are so much less common...it is so much more difficult to be hurt or let down by your friends. There is a special bond in knowing so much about another person, and with no other agenda then to simply spend time together. There is no wondering (usually anyways) about their motives, and you don't need to question where the friendship is going...it simply, beautifully is. And yet, these wonderful gems in our lives...the associations that make every heartache livable and every outing memorable...are placed second in line to the relationship. Shouldn't our friends be placed first? Not necessarily because we should spend more time with them than a significant other...but because long after a relationship has ended, your friends will still be there.

At least, I know mine will be. Maybe for that I am lucky.

But that brings me back to my point. I shouldn't just shrug my shoulders and consider it the norm that I have been blessed with friends who love me and care about me. I should feel exceptionally lucky to have them in my life.

And also, even with friendships, there are those moments of pure elation and happiness where you can feel 100% complete. That feeling is not relationship exclusive. I have felt it before myself, with my friendships.

...Stumbling into my best friend's house at 2 AM, crashing into his bed next to him and falling asleep, and having him not even mind...

...Walking in the middle of a turf farm at midnight with three close friends, an armful of blankets and a plastic baggy full of candy to lay out amongst the stars and enjoy idle conversation...

...Laughing over dinner and drinks with my four best girlfriends and knowing that, despite months apart from each other, our bond is still the same...

...Enjoying a night out, complete with movie, strip-club and cigar by the beach with my mentor and friend...

...or even a few days ago...driving in the car down the highway, listening to music and singing Journey, with three friends who make me laugh.

Moments like that...moments with true friends...is pure joy.

Why Not Me?

I'm shamelessly going to mope now, and feel bad for myself.

So maybe I'm not a perfect person, and maybe I've made some (a lot) of mistakes in my past. Maybe I have a walk-in closet of skeletons and secrets that I've kept from most of the world, and maybe I live my life a little manically and recklessly in an endless search for something to make life meaningful and satisfying. Yet, everything that I've gone through and everything that I've done has brought me, now, to the person that I am and the person that I am going to be come. I like that person, and I wouldn't be her if I hadn't had all the life lessons that taught me about myself.

And for all my flaws and all my faults, I feel like I deserve to be loved and in a happy relationship just as much as anybody else. In truth, that's a half of all that I want out of life...to have adventures, and to find the right person to have those adventures with.

And all around me, it seems like everyone is getting paired up and married, while my latest relationship has recently gone down the drain for reasons that, still, baffle me. It hurts even more because it was with someone who I could REALLY see myself being with, for the long run...someone I felt so completely comfortable and compatible with. It begs the question, if that relationship couldn't work out for me, then which one will? And what is the likelihood that I'll find someone so much like me again?

I really want to be with someone who I can stand still with, and just enjoy every moment and not have to worry that they are going to leave me on a moments whim...to trust, and be assured that they will be there tomorrow. I want the person who is sweet, dependable yet adventurous, affectionate, free to demonstrate their love, interesting, intelligent, and who is proud and feels lucky to be with me. The one who will love me despite my past, my flaws, and all the things I've done, and see the person that I am now. The one who will hold me when I cry.

It sounds stupid, but perhaps that was one of the biggest things that troubled me about my last boyfriend. When I was upset and in tears, he just wanted to talk about the problem and how to fix it. Men need to understand that when a girl cries, she just wants to be held, and told that she's loved, and everything will be okay.

Have I placed impossible standards on my vision for a future mate? Is there anyone out there who so exists, who can stay next to me for the long haul? Who is willing, and ready, to make that kind of a commitment?

3 weeks post break-up, I'm still feeling lonely and a little depressed.

I guess I just have to trust that I will have that kind of happiness again. I've been in love before, and I'm sure (sparing death) that it won't be the last time. I know there will come a day when I meet the right person for me, and all my waiting will pay off...truly, for I will not have settled for anything less then real love. And I will be glad for my waiting, and for everything that brought me to him, and every stupid relationship that ended and every tear that I cried, because otherwise I would not have been free to be with him.

I know this.

I'm just getting a little impatient.

Let's Start From Square One...

Newly single. Only about a week and a half, or so. Slowly starting to feel better, after a record-breaking (for me) 5 days of crying. Beginning to move on.

I heal fast.

The details of the break up up are muddled, and I'll go into that at another time. Let's just say for now that...he wasn't ready for the seriousness of our relationship, and to be in something that might potentially, inevitably lead to marriage. This is despite the fact that, allegedly, he still loves me.

What I really wanted to share was this quote from the last episode of Sex and the City, when Carrie breaks it off with her latest flame, Aleksandr Petrovsky, due to his inability to give her exactly what she needs in a relationship. She says:

"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. I'm not going to find it here in this expensive hotel suite, in Paris."

What she is looking for, in this episode...that it what I'm looking for. And despite the fact that I love my ex-boyfriend desperately, and probably will for a while, he can't give me what I need right now. I'm not going to find that love from him. In that instance, it's better that I be single, so that I can continue on my quest to find it. Maybe someday, after he's had his fun and is done gallivanting, that can be him, and he will be the one to give me what I need. Maybe not. But I know what it is that I'm looking for.

And I'm sure as hell not going to settle.

The Character of Me

If I were a character in a movie, who would I be?

Am I the girl who cowers in the corner and screams at the first sign of danger, or am I the woman with a tight outfit, gun strapped to her leg and mischievous glint in her eye, ready to play the hero?

Am I the outwardly-perfect girlfriend who the protagonist can never truly love, or am I the exotic, adventurous newcomer who opens his eyes to the world and what true love means?

Am I the small-town hopeful who desperately wishes that her dreams would come and find her, or am I the strong-minded career woman who seeks out her ambitions and makes them into reality?

The average woman faded into the background, or the superhero with powers beyond comprehension?

The self-conscious complainer who puts herself down, or self-confident athlete who could care less what the world thinks of her?

The prey, or the predator?

I know what it is that I want to be, and what I hope someday to become. I want to be the woman that other girls can admire, look up to and strive to be. I want to be the lead.

I know what it is that I want.

But which am I?

Ugh

Veronica:

Systematically dismantling relationships since 1985.

Hurt Ramblings

I have this ugly big gash on the joint of my right index finger...another, smaller, a little further up on the same knuckle. That came from punching a wall. Good idea when angry and a little tipsy - bad idea when you wake up the next morning and find yourself bandaging the injury.

Earlier today, I cried in the shower. After some heart-wrenching news, I let myself slide down the side of the stall, curl my arms around my legs, and sob...not for a long time, but these little sporadic bursts. I'd wash...allow my mind to drift to some dismaying thought...then let out a few seconds of tears. Rinse. Repeat.

I feel like I've been here before...maybe this is not nearly so bad as it used to be, but it all seems so familiar. Three summers ago and the subsequent year, through the entirety of my relationship with Zack, I was in an insane tornado of emotions, with most of them being bad. Then, my pain manifested in frequent, horrible crying, intense depression, and scars along my skin which, I believe, nobody notices except me. (One I am particularly fond of, as it faces me any time I drive...a spider-web thin mark on the inner flesh of my arm, untraceable to most but distinctly me.)

And maybe it even reminds me a little bit of the heartache I felt a mere year ago when things with Trent went from disappointing to awful. There was this intense, terrible sense of embarrassment and helplessness and...betrayal. Like, how could I put in so much effort into this relationship, and you put in nothing? Look at all I've given up for you...what have you even dared to give up for me? What have you done to make this work.

That feeling, too, is very familiar.

And I hate being the girlfriend that gets upset...the one that is hurt every other night by something you've done. And for the past couple of weeks, I've blamed myself and told myself that it was my fault...I was being irrational and over-emotional and I just needed to deal with it and not care and things would be fine.

And then maybe, in a strange sense, this is the last straw.

I dealt with it okay when he stopped sending sweet text messages telling me that he loved and missed me, because when ever I came to visit, they would start up again after I left...for a little while. I was alright when the calls became less frequent and shorter. When the summer first started, we were on the phone ALL the time, for hours and hours on end, often playing a video game together. After the video game lost it's novelty and the day-time minutes began to rack up, the time that we spent in contact got a lot shorter, and I attributed it mostly to those other more reasonable factors...nothing to do with our relationship. I tried to let it go.

And then there was the night about a week ago, when I was told that I was "high maintenance" when it came to phone calls and how I shouldn't be upset if he didn't call one night and "just forgot." I cried...hard. I tried to argue my case that a phone call shows effort...it shows that you care...that you are thinking about the other person. And when he told me that he wasn't trying to insinuate anything or set me up for a bigger fall and that everything was fine with us...I tried really hard to believe him, and let it go.

Maybe it was around this time that I began to notice all the really happy couples, that we once were. The ones who leave away messages that say "Love you" to their significant other on their away message, or are constantly texting them with sweet messages, or SO excited to see them. I wondered where that had gone.

And here I am, now. Having rearranged my schedule and switched my work load around so that I could go and see him for a few days...sleep next to the man who says he loves me. And when I asked "Do you want me to come and see you tonight or tomorrow", I got the reply (2 hours later)..."Tomorrow sounds good."

Not a big deal, right?

Somehow, it just stung...so much.

"Why not tonight?" I ask. Curious.

"I'm with my friends tonight. Band stuff."

With friends he had seen the past 4 nights in a row. Who lived a whopping 5 minutes down the street. He can see them any time. Where as I...I live 3 and a half hours away. I was willing to take 4 hours and spend $70 in gas just so that I could be with him. And who does he choose? Not me.

And I miss those days when he used to get ecstatic to see me and beg me to come down a little bit earlier...just so I could see him. I am so pained at the loss of the nights when he would text me to tell me how excited he was to see me. Now when I ask if he's still up for having me come visit I get : "Yuppers."

Oh, fantastic.

I think I deserve better than this, and I think that my patience is wearing thin.

Name Your Fears

I am, inherently, a very emotional person.

I am primarily driven by my feelings, in all that I say and do and choose, for better or for worse.

It is for this reason that my friend Steve affectionately dubbed me as the "emotional fireball", and refers to solving any emotional crisis of mine as "defusing the time-bomb". He is fully aware that, left to my own devices, I will rethink and reanalyze something until it eats away at me and I eventually (metaphorically) explode...often with unfortunate consequences. My feelings need to be kept in check.

In some ways, my extremely emotional nature has been a positive force in my life. I am capable of loving, caring for, and enjoying things more deeply than most people...my feelings on such matters run deep and impenetrably. Yet, it can also manifest in very negative ways. I am prone to extreme fits of sadness, anxiety, fear, helplessness and anger. Most of the time, I'm very good at hiding these bouts -- sometimes, not so much, and it ends up negatively impacting my relationships with people.

I've been needing to find a way to control these emotions, and have a better handle on them. At 23 years of age, and with a full span of life ahead of me, I don't want to be owned and kept down by my own negativity. I want to live happily and positively, no matter what the situation. I want to be confident in myself, without needing the approval of others. This can be accomplished by becoming the master of my own feelings.

One way of doing this, as I was recently reading in Self magazine (July 2008), is to give those negative feelings a separate identity from yourself...even up to donning on them a name or an image...so that rather than accepting those emotions as an inevitable part of who you are, you can deal with them and confront them...do something about them. You can tell that mean little voice in your head to be quiet, and silence it. You can choose to talk back to every insult, every put-down, until you begin to believe in the positive reassurance yourself. Until eventually those negative, irrational feelings begin to back down, and you can replace them with positive, logical thoughts.

Apparently this is something practiced by Buddhists, known as vipassana or apostrophizing.

In scientific studies, it apparently changes the activity location in the brain to label an emotion rather than to simply allow yourself to be engulfed in it.

I've been practicing it today. Every time that a self-deprecating thought floats through my mind, I try to challenge it and negate it...strip the thought of its power, and thus divert the emotion. So far, it seems to be helping, if only a little bit. But I imagine that with a great deal of practice, it can really help to silence that awkward, self-conscious voice that everybody has in their mind. I'm hoping especially that it can help me to get over my relationship anxieties, so that rather that succumb to worries about my boyfriend, I can merely identify my fears and say, "Those thoughts are unlikely. He loves me, so just relax." And hopefully, I can listen to that voice instead.

I'll try to update a little bit more about how this works out for me in the future.

But hey, I'm trying.